


I Won't Fall Apart

by AlterImpulse (orphan_account)



Category: Xenogears
Genre: (or should I say misuse of the Wave Existence), Age Difference, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, BDSM, Bathing/Washing, Bathtub Sex, Bed Sex, Bottoming, Canon Era, Cock Piercing, Collars, Consentacles, Fucking, Healing Sex, Id, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, M/M, Misuse of the Force, Multiple Orgasms, Overdramatized Depiction Of Dissociation, Post-Battle, References to Illness, S&M, Sigurd Harcourt has a massive dick, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M, WTF, Whipping, fantasy DID, modified genitalia, references to DID, references to immortality, references to shapeshifting, set during game canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-14 22:56:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15399369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/AlterImpulse
Summary: A Sigurd/Fei/Citan threesome one shot, set in game at some vague point roughly after Fei awakens after the battle with Isaac/Alkanshel and as a sequel to “Best Bed In Kislev.”For Of Men And Machines prompt “Bathe.” Title shamelessly taken from a favorite Eurobeat song.Fei and Citan take a sexy bath together after a long day of practice, Sigurd shows up to join the fun, and Fei gets a little more understanding of himself... even if his romantic situation has just gotten this much more confusing.Set either roughly before Babel Tower or after the first battle for Shevat, roughly either of those parts of the game when everyone’s together at the ship.





	I Won't Fall Apart

**Author's Note:**

> Content Note: There will be some BDSM. Verbal check-ins for it are not present, but simply because Citan and Sigurd have a past relationship and understanding of each other. There are references to Fei's DID and shapeshifting. Also, as always, sex here isn't a guide for real sex (especially because Fei and Sigurd both have parts real people do not and hopefully never will!), and because in real life barebacking is really stupid and you should always use a condom. These men live in a world that doesn't have HIV. We do. Protect yourself.

It had been a long day of fighting for both of them. Not the fights where everything hung in the balance on the swing of the pendant, but the everyday - being attacked by the wild creatures that often populated the planet, thanks to centuries of genetic manipulation, and occasionally by either piloted Gears or those that seemed to have been abandoned but left on autonomous attack mode.

Either way, Citan had remembered one of his older fighting techniques he had not used in a while, and they had more scrap to trade for actual G.

Nonetheless, his hair was too sweaty to braid and falling down into his smeared glasses, his clothes were stained, and his body reeked of sweat, oil, Gear fuel, burning carbon fiber, and metal.

“Fei, I think we should find somewhere to recover,” he said over the communication system he had rigged between their Gears. Of course, he had not informed anyone that said system also fed info straight to Solaris, but no one needed to know that for now… “I think Billy would agree, would you not? We are all low on fuel, even if you have not perfected your new aiming technique, and you cannot jump in a Gear like Fei and I can, as of yet.”

“Yeah…” Billy said. Something about his deference and obedience seemed so offputting- it reminded him too much of himself at that age. _This is what I hate about us. I should not have been training as an Element at his age. He should not have been raised to be a killer, either._ Citan almost felt guilty at that - he preferred to fight alongside Bart or Rico, someone who felt they did not have to instantly defer to him.

“Sounds like Billy’s tired too,” Fei said. “Yeah, we’re done for the day. Let’s go back to the Yggdrasil.” A sigh. “We still have so far to go.”

===

They disembarked from their Gears, in the bay of the Yggdrasil. “We still need to get Billy capable of jumping as we are. And you need to practice more, yourself. You are still recovering…” Citan leaned in close to Fei. “Those incidents take a toll on your body, do they not? The transformation of your body alone must be rather traumatic, on what it does.”

Fei slumped against him. “I...it feels as if my muscle and bone are torn apart and reassembled. I’m still in so much pain.”

“Then you need a hot bath and a massage.” Citan held him closely as they walked, letting Fei lean on him as they made their way aboard. “As do I. Today was quite challenging for all of us. I have not done Ougi in a while - I had almost forgotten it, can you believe that?”

“The way you move…” Fei sighed happily. “I love watching you fight. I never thought your build would allow for martial arts-“

“I trained for them, though not in your way. Your style is very specific and reliant on fast movement. Mine is a form where one relies on power and strength to immediately deal a crushing blow-“

“You look more like you used to fight with a sword. Your stances and how your build is-“

“I did, once. I will tell you that story someday, when I feel as if I can.” Citan noticed how Fei seemed to walk: slow, pained. “I can carry you, if you need.”

“I can make it. I’ve been recovering fine,” Fei said, and then took another step. “Uh, thanks for the offer. You sure you can do it?”

“Not a problem,” Citan said, and with that, he found himself carrying Fei almost bridal-style through the Yggdrasil until they reached Bart’s suite. “He is not here, so that is good. The only true bathtub on the ship that is not a mere shower, and one large enough for both of us.”

Fei cuddled against him as they got into the shower next to the tub. “I… feel so conflicted,” he whispered. “Is it possible to love two people?”

“I am certain it is. I still love Yui, but I also love you. Sometimes, it simply happens,” Citan said, as he sniffed deeply of Fei’s body in that moment before they began to wash off the smells of the day - for some reason that smell of burned metal and fuel and the slightest hint of blood mixed with Fei’s sweat was so perfectly arousing to him. “You awakened something within me, as I did for you. No matter what may be our fates…”

“I hope so,” Fei quietly said, as he put shampoo in his hands. “I hope you don’t mind your hair smelling like Bart’s.”

“I prefer my cherry blossom scent, but this will do.” Citan sniffed as Fei ran his hands through his hair. “Sandalwood.”

“So that’s what it’s called.” Fei laughed. “I’m assuming he’ll want to kick both our asses when he realizes we used his bath.”

“Of course, but I will remind him he still owes us for ruining our plans and the Goliath. If he had not been so rash, things could have been very different by this point.”

“That they could have. Admittedly for a while out there on the sea, I was even beginning to miss your cooking.” Fei teased. “That rotten fish was slightly better but…”

“Oh hush.” Citan had his own hands in Fei’s hair at that point, picking out a couple of stray metal and glass bits, before he pulled Fei close to him for a passionate kiss. “That is what you really missed, was it not?”

“So much. I… Elly and I, well-“

“She will _never_ give you what I can.” Citan inwardly cursed himself for those words, which he _knew_ came off as jealous, possessive - something he felt for Fei, that he felt for no one else. “Ahem. I mean, did you… and her...yet?”

Fei embraced him under the spray of the shower with one arm as they let the water and soap sprays wash off the sweat and the smells of a day of battles, and they used the internal sprays to prepare for the night ahead. “What would it be to you if we did? You’re acting like you did with that person you replaced in Nortune…”

“It cannot be helped. I have these feelings sometimes, as much as I should not.” Another kiss, as they stepped out of the shower and settled into the water of the tub together. “It is nothing. Does this make you feel better? He does not have much here for temperature regulation or options.” Citan sighed. “For a Shevatian land and sea cruiser, this is not the most well-outfitted of bathrooms for the captain’s cabin.”

“What do you mean, options?” Fei asked, as he looked at the strangely familiar control touchscreen on the tub.

“I have seen some in my time in Solaris. They have options for bubbles, different things than water - I once bathed in wine. Flower petals. Colors. And angled jets like those in the shower there, though I once used one of those at an inopportune time and had to clean up afterward.”

Fei leaned back on him. “That was _much_ more information than I needed. Let me try to work the screen. I understand the language. I can switch it to Aveli… wait. We aren’t in Bart’s cabin. Bart doesn’t speak Aveli. He speaks Universal English and Sigurd translates for-“

“Hyuga, I must ask, what the _hell_ are you and Fei doing in my room, and my bathtub at that, without my permission?” The room door slid shut behind Sigurd as he walked in and sat on the edge of the tub. “Although I can probably guess your plans, at least in this moment.”

“Get in with us,” Fei said, and smirked at the shocked look he had drawn from Citan with that. “I’m sure that ‘Hyuga,’ as you call him, would enjoy both our presence.”

“I am certain he would,” Sigurd said, and seemed to himself almost revel in the moment, the embarrassed look on Citan’s face as he stammered a “yes,” in the moment of Sigurd touching his face, lifting up his chin to gaze into his eyes. “Also, Hyuga, you can take off your glasses. They would steam up in the bath anyway, and you know you are safe with us both.”

“Unless he becomes-”

“If he shows up, we can deal with that.” Sigurd nodded. “You and I and the Demon of Elru… that would be rather interesting, would it not, Hyuga? Or would you rather be yourself for this, Fei?”

Fei laid back into Citan’s embrace. “I will be,” he said, and leaned up to kiss his more well known lover. “But how did _you_ know-“

Citan interrupted him. “I must warn you, Sigurd has some...unique work done on himself. I thought it best you know, from how you reacted to mine the first time you saw it, and all I have is a few dermal piercings and some foreskin scarification. The standard for anyone of my position. As you may know, Sigurd here was a test subject…”

“I’m not sure if I like the sound of that,” Fei quietly said.

Sigurd looked down at himself, apparently seemingly unsure at that point. “I wouldn’t make you even look at it if it made you scared.”

Citan held Fei a little closer as Sigurd undressed and climbed into the tub. “Don’t worry. He wouldn’t do anything unless you asked. You’re safe with us both.” A kiss, from Sigurd this time as he climbed in next to him. Fei took a moment to taste his mouth - he didn’t catch the hint of alcohol or Rosesol that Citan’s often carried, and he tasted something unusually metallic that he couldn’t place.

Yet Sigurd was surprisingly gentle with that kiss, almost tentative, and Fei wanted more as he sank into the tub, with Citan holding him in a tight, almost possessive embrace from behind and Sigurd gently kissing him from the front, before both men locked their arms in their own embrace around him.

For a moment, Fei could feel that intense desire to run, that he was in danger, and he heard the voice. _Let me handle it, let me get you out of here._

“I’m staying. I don’t want to get out of here,” Fei said, and he noticed how Citan and Sigurd both reacted to that - both loosening their embrace around him to where he could easily get out of it, and he felt better.

“Was that too much for you?” Citan’s lips were against his ear. “I can tell Sigurd to leave…”

“No… it was too much for ‘that.’ But I’m fine now. I’m here.” Fei looked at both of them, and made a sudden decision. “Make me feel like I’m here. Like it’s _me_ feeling something in this body.”

Citan stroked his hair, and cuddled him from behind in the hot bubble bath. “Of course. Which one of us do you want to…”

“I…” Fei looked at him. “I want you to take care of me. To make me feel safe and loved and… like you normally do,” he whispered. “And the feelings from it will be so intense that will be held back because I’ll be here, present…”

Sigurd leaned in for a kiss, and seemed to understand. “So do you want to try mine rather than his this time? You aren’t scared by it?”

“A little.” Fei nervously laughed. “You’re… much bigger than he is-”

“Well, thank you very much,” Citan snorted from behind him. “With anyone but Sigurd, that would have been rather insulting.”

“And all those piercings and what the hell is that… thing at the end? It’s not the usual-”

“It’s a special augmentation. A feeler, one might say. It rubs against the walls and provides a very special pleasure, when you need something to go just a little deeper.” Sigurd kissed him once more. “Touch it, it won’t hurt you out here, or inside you. Hyuga there has enjoyed it many times.”

Fei reached forward, and let his hand run the length of Sigurd’s cock. _So many bumps and ridges and piercings and scars and… that thing, but it feels really good, it wriggles and vibrates..._

Citan kissed Fei’s neck from behind, his hand on Fei’s own cock, gently stroking it into full hardness as he loosely held him with his other arm. “We will take as much time as you need, Fei.”

“For now… let’s just stay here.” Fei moaned into Citan’s mouth as he turned to kiss him, letting out a pleased sigh at those touches.

“May we move to the bed?” Sigurd asked. “I know you love to do it in water, Hyuga, but it is very difficult for me to stay hard in water. As if the flame in me is dying…”

“Yes. Fei there is similar, if he is not in the water, there is something very special he will enjoy. In fact, as he now knows about it, maybe he should try it out.”

Fei looked at both as they carried him from the tub, both drying off his body gently with the towels between kisses and licks. It felt so arousing to be the focus of both their attention, though he held in a laugh as Sigurd began to lick his toes as Citan spread his legs. “Don’t think I need such…”

“But you love it, don’t you?”

“Fei, do you feel that?” Citan asked, as he rubbed his lower back. “One part of your body that allows you to change form and become one with that red Gear once you do. While...I would hope you find no need to fully access it at the moment, it may work for something else. Try to focus into that spot. Draw in consciously, like you’re starting Weltall without the passcode.”

“You two are so weird...” Fei sighed, but he felt so good already, so safe and protected, even if they were to the best of his knowledge ex-Solarians, and he knew he wouldn’t switch in that state. He closed his eyes, meditated deeply on the sensations in his body until he could sense something, a power beyond comprehension, then instinctively drew in and felt something odd, indescribable at first, then like a low, vibrating hum in his lower back, inside him. It felt so good, so intense, yet it pulled up a memory of himself with red hair and white skin, so hard inside his flight suit that he was in pain, so angry at that that he needed to hurt someone, now-

“That object… does exactly what I assumed it would. Its positioning bridges your two most sensitive areas, and it can trigger an intense desire to orgasm if not a full orgasm in and of itself-“

Fei moaned as he laid back in Citan’s embrace, his legs twitching, as he curled and uncurled his fingers and toes in an attempt to let the feeling pass through him. “I _need_ to come,” he spat, surprised at how he felt in that moment. “If I can’t, I’ll, I’ll fucking-“

Citan held him closer, and slightly nibbled on his earlobe. “Sigurd and I will help you as many times as you will need. Are you fully prepared, Fei?”

“Yeah. I...in the shower...oh my god, stop teasing me like that,” Fei snapped, as Citan’s hand closed around his cock. “I need something inside me, dammit!”

Sigurd leaned down and claimed his lips in another passionate kiss. “Would that be a yes to all I can put inside you, Fei,” he asked, as he flicked his feeler tip against him.

“If you don’t put that in there right now I swear I’ll kill both of you,” Fei almost screamed, surprised at how on edge he _was_ as Sigurd slid into his body, that he felt himself going _over_ it so uncontrollably, so fast. Sigurd simply rested within him like a coiled snake, using the shaft to stay in place and the feeler to move around - so different from how Citan fucked him, and yet it felt so _good_ in its own way. Between that and Citan’s massaging that spot on his back with one hand and both their hands on his cock, Fei could no longer hold back. It felt so good to come, and for that one moment he felt like he was fully inside his body and enjoying everything it could give him.

Fei lay there and tried to catch his breath as he felt Sigurd pull himself free.

“Now it’s your turn. On all fours, Hyuga. You know what you want.” Fei’s eyes widened as Citan moved from behind him, holding him, to on all fours as Sigurd stood over him and pinned the dog collar around Citan’s neck, having grabbed a small whip from his wall as well. “Now tell me, when you feel your punishment, for your both fouling my shower while preparing yourselves. But if you tell me too soon, I _will_ hit you harder.”

Fei stifled a laugh at seeing Citan like that - on all fours, in a diamond dog collar from Solaris. Yet he had to admit the sight also aroused him, even in those moments that he had to wait before he could harden again. He knew once he could it would be instant, that need once more, from the thoughts that seeing Sigurd take that whip to his ass, from hearing the soft grunts of pain and pleasure as he struggled not to speak brought to his mind.

“Oh, I am so sorry, we thought we had Bart’s room,” Citan gasped as the whip hit once again, and he squirmed against it as Sigurd dragged it over his now-reddened ass. As promised, another, harder smack and Fei cringed - yet he told himself that the two would stop if it truly was too much. That he did not need to protect himself or Citan in that moment, and he felt the surge of anger recede as he watched and began to tentatively stroke himself.

“You want to be on top for once, don’t you?” Sigurd looked at him with a devilish grin. “Go for it. He will be beside himself if you do.”

Citan offered a small nod of agreement as Sigurd grasped Fei’s cock with a lube-covered hand and stroked. Fei leaned into it, moaning at the rush of blood and the return of that driving need to just get off.

“That’s enough for him now. Hyuga likes it a little rough.” With that, Fei held Citan’s hips tightly and pushed into him, grunting in pleasure at the tight warmth surrounding him. He cried out and bit Citan’s shoulder so hard he saw blood and heard an almost shriek from him, as Sigurd entered him, completely filling him with that huge cock, the feeler nestled right against that spot within him.

“Oh, _fuck_ yes,” Fei hissed, gripping Citan’s hips harder with his hands and thrusting roughly out of instinct, in rhythm with Sigurd’s movements inside him, as Citan moaned softly beneath him, for once seeming past speech and simply caught up in the feeling of the moment.

He felt almost as if he were outside himself, and he used every bit of mental strength he had to force himself back into presence, to focus on that feeling of fucking and being fucked, of the sensations of pleasure and desire for more, and somehow he was back inside himself before it happened, before his body and mind tore apart and formed into _that_ once more. _You are not taking this moment from me. You are not hurting them._

Sigurd seemed to notice and moved not slower but faster, more roughly, and that drew him back into presence as much as his own efforts, with the feeling that brought. Citan was moving back against him, finally able to speak again. “More, Fei. Keep doing that, oh Deus, I...I’m…”

Fei grabbed onto him so tightly he knew his hands were leaving prints, his short fingernails were nevertheless digging into flesh as he felt warmth deep within him, felt Sigurd’s body go weak and fall against him with a few moaned words in Aveli, then his own world shatter into pure relief, release, pleasure as he faintly heard Citan scream something in Solarian and fall beneath him.

They lay there on the cold metal floor of the Yggdrasil like that for a few moments, and held onto each other’s trembling bodies. Fei slowly kissed Citan’s neck, his hands that were once on his hips now wrapped around his waist in a loose hug, as he heard and felt Citan cast a healing ether on himself, as he saw the bitten shoulder and bruised hips disappear.

Sigurd held him the same way, that loose embrace as he slid out of him, now soft. He appeared tired, yet for once...happy and relaxed, even more so than after the night of drinking with his former comrades a few days before, and Fei felt happy himself - that he had given that to someone who had been through so much for them. “You know, after that…” Sigurd whispered, “I may forgive you for your, ahem, other self destroying my first ship.”

===

Fei lay there in bed between them, his head resting on Citan’s chest listening to the familiar beat of heart and sound of nanomachine, Sigurd behind him snoring lightly and an odd sound of his own that sounded kind of like that same sound, but different…

 _What have I gotten myself into now_ , Fei thought, as he lay between them.

_Nothing you need to be into. I could still end this right now._

_No. I… I will not let you._

With that, Fei cuddled against Citan and felt Sigurd hold him slightly more tightly as well, and a whisper in his ear that wasn’t Id, but the man behind him. “You aren’t just a construct, any more than I’m just a test subject. We became ourselves, via our own free will.”

“Again, how did you _know_ …”

Sigurd kissed his neck gently. “I have my ways. I’ll look out for you both, Fei. You and Hyuga...”

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments 
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism unless it is about the couple/ship itself - I know what is and is not canon, or about the sex itself, as I know it is unrealistic. 
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
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